Sunday Edition: Volume 1
This Just Came Through
No one does this, really… but
When doing the uncommon work these days of turning inward, being with one’s self, what nuances have you noticed?
I often notice nothing until a night rest and barely before awakening I’ll notice something.
It’s meant to be with complete compassion for yourself. Not a judgment or put-down. But one for me, after speaking to myself daily for several years as I would a dear child or beloved mentor, was a flash of insight of what a crappy wife I was.
And why.
But first how did this come about?
By turning inward and towards one’s self rather than outwardly—think screens, purchases, consuming—at first fidgety, uncomfortable, bored; possibly irritated, you might notice all these things or more. Or completely different.
I won’t try here to describe the journey of six years and how it led me to the past three years and then to the past six months. Hilarious but when you sit still with things suddenly the floodgates of realization open. The waters part and you might, like this just now, have a glimpse of how one thing led to another and you’ve been protected. You’re not alone. You are guided.
Pulling the corner up on your …
But, I, for purposes of time here, somehow by making efforts to turn towards myself instead of of away, noticed moments where I was about to make an action that wasn’t on my own behalf.
So it became a cognitive behavioral shift. “Hmm, are you really taking yourself seriously and your future? I thought you had goals. Does this action actually align? Like you mean it! Really?”
And whereas it had been easy to sarcastically criticize others in my life before, I suddenly saw that I myself was the one making choices (or not) on my own behalf.
And within months I’d paid down $6k in credit card debt whereas I thought I’d be paying that forever with. No hope in sight. And guess how? By doubling my income. Somehow the concept that “your paycheck is your greatest asset” finally kicked in.
I don’t mean to put down myself in these words, it just seems fitting after how long it has taken for what for many are basics.
It isn’t meant to be easy. With turning towards one’s self, you’re likely gonna be fraught with obstacles and resistance! That’s just it! Like meditation you simply return to center and begin again. You simply be with that frustration and resistance.
It helps to have incredible mentors and guidance such as this gem (I’m sure this mentor would prefer not to be quoted but if you’re interested please private message me or comment.) “My body is having a memory.”
That might seem trite or foreign. Not to worry.
Speaking to yourself nicely … very nicely.
Try realizing. My body is having a memory and this is the present now. I’m safe. All this is happening right now I could say easily from each of our trauma. Big T, little ‘t’ collective or individual, ancestral, prenatal and so on.
Not to say it’s a life sentence of patterns but to explore with listening interest and compassion to our body’s wisdom. Whilst at the same time, as you might your own child (or wish someone had when you were a child or even wish they would today) “you’re safe now” and orienting visually to the surroundings where there’s pleasantness or something outside in nature is preferable if you can.
So, as I begin to comprehend cognitively what it means to operate on my own behalf and well-being, as the days went by something slipped into my awareness when I woke up and hadn’t opened my eyes yet in that moment. Oh, now I see why I was a shitty wife.
Well, if you don’t know how to operate and behave with your own best interest how the hell can you even begin to know how to operate as a team with your marriage best interest in mind?
It’s weird that it’s twenty years ago that all that occurred and how much spite and frustration I went through and mess created but man, it’s weird to see and realize my part in that.
If you can’t be with you and treat yourself with respect, how the hell will you treat anyone else decently?
You can see now where you were shitty … but not to go back.
It still does not mean that we were compatible and should be together. Nope. To be continued. Relationships—friendship and love—are on my radar.
So I hope this Sunday soul day, shine-like-the-sun and be gregarious day (a la Dubinet) is magical and even still for those moments when you might try turning towards yourself and putting those things that are bothering you “in front of you in the field” as my teacher says. At first it seems underwhelming and like nothing. Like watching paint dry somatic teacher might say… but stick with it.
I have been.
X sea
Bliss